Up-Rooted

“How can I tap down deep, find my roots, become re-connected with myself, the earth, and the vast universe?” The tragic passing of my son Alex unrooted me. I feel ground-less and future-less, imagining the possibilities my son would have had in his life.

But my grief demands an anchor.

There is no folding back into the person I was. So, how do I begin the process of unfolding onto this path? Are these days, weeks, months within the last two years, entrenched in deep pain, moving me into something new?

Living in times of ever-increasing complexity, I long for a sense of stability and grounding, wanting to do what really matters now. How can I be steady when this world seems to collapse further into all kind of divides and the planet faces dire threats?

It is times like these that I seek out and lean into my inner anchors.

BREATHING

When the void seems like a giant, dark hole that swallows me whole, I return to this moment, right here, right now, in this place.

I listen to my breath and invite more breaths, one at a time, gradually filling myself with space. Space to support me, to fill this internal void. When I feel lost, I am finding my breath. When I awaken in the morning and anxiety flushes through me, I practice deeper breathing. It’s calming and brings me into a place of greater clarity and peace.

SOMATIC MOVEMENT PRACTICES

I cannot do without my daily dose of movement. Here I draw from my experience as a physical therapist and somatic movement practitioner. Practices to reconnect us with ourselves are essential while healing from trauma and loss. Indeed, movement and breath play a very important part in my daily routines.

Spending time lying on the floor and exploring various Feldenkrais-based movement themes allows my body to release tension, realign itself, and become more grounded and spacious, while giving me a sense of renewed energy.

I also blend yoga poses into my day. Standing poses are my favorites, such as Triangle, Warrior or Extended Side Angle pose, all helping me to become more grounded.

I appreciate taking time and walking slow while sensing my feet touching the ground. It’s meditative and moves energy from my head to my feet, helping me stay anchored.

CONNECTION

The importance of authentic connection has become even more important since my son passed. Spending my time with meaningful activities and people who are dear to my heart or who share the same values, is essential. I appreciate my friendships and want to nourish the connections I have. Sharing my grief experience in a grief support group, or with like-minded others, is part of my healing process.

STILLNESS

Besides working throughout the week, I am devoting time to advocacy projects. But in order to keep some balance and my energies at bay, I need quiet time, time for deep reflections, be it meditation, journaling, or just day-dreaming. Chilling and time-out are things I always treasured. When too much is happening all at once, I get easily depleted.

NATURE

The more time I spend in nature, the better. It is my sanctuary and feels like a container that can hold all that I bring. It brings me back into this moment.

Besides all that, simple things such as cooking a meal while appreciating the process of preparing, tasting, and smelling the dish, all help me to awaken my senses while restoring some aliveness and gratitude. Sleep and regular meals are a must; they are my key source of energy.

None of these practices will ever take away my sadness, grief, or longing. Living with child loss is messy. It is a wild ride that has unpredictable ups and downs. And, it is a ride that will never really end.

And because of this intensity, these inner anchors or self-care are holy spaces for me. They’re a radical commitment to self-preservation. Without therapeutic tools that ground me when I feel out of balance, I would be stuck in a downward spiral of despair and hopelessness.

Staying engaged with my own wellbeing is as important to me as living a purposeful life. A life that is aligned with my son’s legacy as well as his struggles. And for that I am devoting time advocating for breaking the stigma about mental health and addiction, as well as building trauma-informed communities. All that keeps me connected with my son’s life and the struggles he had.

Staying true to what I need makes me vulnerable but offers space that allows for holding my vision for something meaningful ahead.

In doing so, I am tapping into the deeper parts of myself and finding new roots, new depths, and new possibilities.